Hey,

You know, the title makes me think that we're talking a pink Cadillac here, and that she's finally done away with Parker. : P

I like the idea of some grand old dame (for so I imagine her!) deferring from hedonistic luxury to the Jeremy Clarkson mode of living, and it's something of a shame that the contrast cuts out half way through the poem. It's something that's only just begun to be established and then it's whisked away; it could use expanding.

I also wonder if it mightn't vivify the lady's sense of rebelliousness if the poem didn't switch to the second person in its second half. If the 'you haven't' was replaced to 'they hadn't' she'd seem that much more the free spirit, sticking it to the snobs etc.

I also wonder if 'compromise' might not be more appropriate than 'sacrifice' as it recalls more immediately the terminology by which such scandalous behaviours are characterised. There's also the fact that 'compromise' implies a matter of degrees regarding her freedom, whereas 'sacrifice' makes it sound as if choosing cars over wine were a matter of all-or-nothing, which is pretty melodramatic.

Further, I don't know if pluralising lipstick denotes so much the impression that she's a connoisseur of lipsticks etc. as that she's more well known for wearing many shades at once, which is bizarre. After all, you don't have to refer to the Woman in White as the Woman in Whites to know that white's her thing. Unless, of course, you're intending the multiple simultaneous shades connotation?

Still further, I'm not particularly convinced by the lady's fixation with her vehicle as the poem stands. Instead of referring to 'caresses' and the 'tenderness' you might make the reader feel these things. Throw them through some metaphors, give things a sensual charge, you know. Make them an experience, and not the reporting of an experience.

You're sort of there with the muscular fluidity of / a snake but I'm not sure this is an appropriate image, really. It sort of implies that she's asphyxiating the gear stick (and autoerotica, why not!) more than deriving an intense pleasure from driving. But it's the only distinct image in what otherwise is more or less an account of someone driving with a couple of emotive adjectives thrown in.

Also, I'm pretty sure you can move the second 'she' in the second sentence until after 'red' - interrupting the pronoun / verb construction with a clause is disorienting. I realise you might be trying to space out the quantity of 'she's in that sentence (there's a lot) but you might deal with this by replacing the first 'she was' with 'her'. The other advantage of this is that it implies the aristocratic diction of the people talking about the lady too.

That's about it. I really like the idea for this poem, but I think it needs to be expanded so to suggest more the contrast between the competing aspects of the lady's life, and the distinct personality of her relationship with driving. Make her rounded and all that, you know?

Thanks.

--
-StationToStation-

Interesting way to show how she values the car, and saying it's her "freedom" is a good way to put it. Intriguing.

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不求同年同月同日生， 但願同年同月同日死。
- 三国演义

I liked the story and tension between car, lipstick, wine and her freedom.





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I loved the way you let the words flow, streaming down towards the ending. Very well built. I enjoyed it a lot.

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